Hell yeah! bring back the dodo!

half of you will lose this to your spam filter.

we are so back

I am thinking once again about the news. I don’t know if you’ve seen the news, but they’re bringing the dodo back. The last sighting was in 1662 but now the old boy is probably getting a second shot at planet earth. Last month, an American biotech startup very conspicuously announced their partnership with the conservation group controlling the East African island where, apparently, the dodo once roamed free.

According to the news,

The edited dodo genomes will be inserted into the embryos of a sterile chicken and rooster. With the introduction of the edited dodo genomes, the chicken and rooster will be capable of reproducing, and, in theory, their offspring will resemble the dodo thanks to the hybridized pigeon DNA in their reproductive systems.

It’s more complicated than that and I cleaned up the language, but yes, that’s the nut of it. A infertile chicken is going to give birth to a dodo. This is the new nativity story.

Apparently, the Return of the Dodo™ has been in the news for months. But my algorithm is all fucked-up by that national cadiac event known as a presidential election year. In January, there was a rash of articles soft-announcing Return of the Dodo™

Yes, a rash of conspicuous articles; this story gets better. The company de-extincting the dodo received funding from the Central Intelligence Agency. What in the hell is that about? My theory goes something like this: the press barrage around the Return of the Dodo was heavy-handed, almost like they were trying to prove something. I think the CIA must be angling for bragging rights over China in the scientific arena. The American government wants to be able to tell China, “we can bring back the dodo” in the same way we once told the Russians, “we can put a man on the moon.”¹

But unlike the man-on-the-moon, the dodo isn’t going to drop any inspiring wisdom when it again walks on solid ground. No, the dodo is going to be both insufferable and perfectly suited for the present moment. Do you want to depopulate New York City? Release ten-thousand dodos in Central Park.² The closest living relative of the dodo is a pigeon. Except the dodo can’t fly. And it’s three-feet-tall. You’ve been to Manhattan, you’ve seen those mercenary pigeons that run the streets of New York. Now imagine they were three-feet-tall, bug-eyed and flightless.

Better yet, release the dodo in Silicon Valley. De-populate the tech bros. They want an overlord, give them the dodo. Once this de-extinction push gets to Sand Hill Road, they’re going to bring back the tyrannosaurus within weeks. Move fast and break things, right? The best-case scenario here is that they de-extinct the dinosaurs smack in the middle of Palo Alto where they can move fast and eat billionaires.³

Because do you really think they’re going to stop at the dodo? Since when, in the history of humanity, have we ever said “ok, we’ve gone far enough with this technology.” They claim that The Return of the Dodo™ might help restore the ecosystem of the East African island. But according to the internet, dodos eat “fallen fruit” — which has never been a problem. What they mean is it would be nice for the tiger to eat the dodo again. And I won’t lie, I would eat the hell out of a dodo burger.

But then again, why are we starting the dodo? The northern white rhino went extinct like last week. Why not start there?

this is not a cartoon, this is not a drawing, this is what an actual dodo bird looks like.

And if they’re going to bring the dodo back, come on, let’s have fun with it. If we’re going to take the dice from god’s hands and cook them, let’s go all-in. That image ⬆️⬆️ is a photograph of the actual dodo. They’re ridiculous to begin with. Let’s make them pink and purple and glow-in-the-dark. I want to see a rainbow parade of dodos. This speaks to a larger cultural problem: have we lost our ability to make new things? When is the last time there was a ‘new’ movie? They keep remaking the same old shit, Indiana Jones-in-the-Metaverse and Ghostbusters-but-they’re-kids-now.

What I’m saying is there’s no real rationale for the Return of the Dodo™ — we’re doing this because we can. I just wish we could be a bit more honest about our intentions. We are currently living in the midst of the sixth mass extinction event in the history our planet. But sure, let’s bring back the dodo, that should even things out.

1. It strikes me that this will be the wonderful new turn-of-phrase. Out with “if they can put a man on the moon, why can’t they… “ Instead, I suggest, “if they can de-extinct the dodo, why can’t they….”

2. There are now 85 million starlings in the United States and they all started because 19th century book nerd wanted all the birds from Shakespeare plays in New York City. Or at least, that was the story for hundreds of years until some [eye roll] academic researchers disproved it. I choose to believe the story.

3. I know there’s an argument to be made that the “move fast and break things” mentality died off with the crypto collapse but I suspect that mentality hasn’t died as much as it has proved infantile in the finance arena. Once it moves into a new area, like de-extinction, it will probably find itself quite popular again.