I love the messy new Congress

“You have made a fuckup the size of France and you are fucking grinning about it.” — Selina Meyer

I was not on Capitol Hill for the Speaker vote on Tuesday but I’ve been in the chamber a few times when they’re voting for the Speaker. And usually, this is a pretty bland — if ceremonious — affair. Most of the entertainment comes from the children of the members, who, in an attempt to break up the overwhelming boredom, do things like hit themselves over the heads with gavels.

Yeah, usually it’s a boring day. But it’s nice. You get to sit there and smell that beautiful old room and everybody is happy because they’ll be out drinking in a few hours. Some of them have already been drinking for a few hours. I used to love to just sit up in the gallery and people-watch. When it’s boisterous — as it was on Tuesday during the Speaker vote — the House floor reminds you of that old painting of the Wedding at Cana.

For the past one-hundred-years, the vote for Speaker has been decided on the first ballot. The last time it required multiple ballots was in 1925. And that was the only time that it happened in the entire 20th Century.

You see, because by the time a congressman (or Nancy Pelosi) reaches the point in his career where he’s set to be the Speaker of the House, he’s usually spent the last several cycles solidifying support. Look at Hakeem Jeffries. Everybody has known for the past four or five years that Hakeem Jeffries will be the next Speaker of the House. He’s a good politician. His annual Hip Hop on the Hill party is one of the few bashes worth attending every single year. He wears cool shoes. He’s got a personality. People like Hakeem Jeffries.

People do not like Kevin McCarthy. He is not a good politician. He does not have a personality. Or beliefs.

This is not the first time that McCarthy was supposed to be the Speaker of the House. But the last time, in 2015, he went on Fox News and admitted that Republicans were only investigating Benghazi in order to tank Hillary Clinton — again, Kevin McCarthy is not a good politician.¹ And so when Kevin McCarthy made history on Tuesday as the first failed Speaker-hopeful in a century, it was predictable. It was also pretty damn funny.

Really, this isn’t all McCarthy’s fault. The party he wants to lead is half-terrifying and half-hilarious. You know all the reasons they’re terrifying — this is the party of January 6th-wasn’t-that-bad and we-hate-trans-people. They actually believe in those things. And I think a large part of McCarthy’s weakness as a politician is that, because he’s so devoid of his own beliefs, he’s incapable of understanding people who do believe in things. And the far-right of McCarthy’s party — people like Jim Jordan — do believe in things. I’ve talked to Jordan dozens of times and tried consistently to see if there’s any unoccupied space in his ideology. There isn’t. He hates immigrants who didn’t get here through Ellis Island. He hates Hillary Clinton and Hunter Biden. I suspect he hates Kevin McCarthy too, but I may be wrong. At the very least, he considers McCarthy to be a scrub.

If they had competent politician leading them, the prospect of Republicans-in-charge would be terrifying to Democrats. But all day long, I was talking to friends of mine, Democratic staffers in the House, and they were having a ball. It was hilarious. I mean they were sending Elmo-in-flames GIFs en masse.

Because as any Hill-creature will tell you, it’s a lot easier — and a lot more fun — to be in the minority. It’s like playing defense in football. Sure, you probably won’t score a touchdown. But you get to fly around and cause chaos and knock a few people’s heads off.

Kevin McCarthy is not going to have fun. He is on the receiving end of caused-chaos. Kevin McCarthy is going to have a rough few years. In order to get the support of the Jim Jordan faction, McCarthy will probably have to grant individual members the ability to force a vote to remove the Speaker (that’s one of their demands). So the true-nuts like Andy Biggs can just go all Professor Chaos whenever they want. McCarthy has to fund the government and the far-right wing of his party doesn’t really believe in things like funding the government. They even want to gut the overwhelmingly-popular, longstanding programs like medicare and social security.

McCarthy also managed to pull Marjorie Taylor-Greene into supporting him; which means he’s probably going to have to give her Committee seats. And that also promises entertainment. Because I’ve talked to MTG a few times too and she’s almost entirely Facebook-educated. Jim Jordan can at least back-up some of his bullshit with rationale — MTG cannot. This is a woman who, until a few years ago, apparently did not believe 9/11 happened. Everybody, Republicans and Democrats, laughs at her and if McCarthy puts MTG on public-facing committees, we’ll all get to laugh at her at least once a week. And the Democrats will make millions on fundraising emails with subject-lines like Did you see what wacky MTG just said? In the body of those fundraising emails, Democrats will spend the next two years contrasting any legislative successes of their own with the shitshow across the aisle.²

Then of course, there’s George Santos. And I mean, I love it. There is a potential scenario where Congressman George Santos is the first sitting member of Congress to be extradited because he’s wanted in a foreign country. That could happen. It won’t. But it could.³ And again, Santos' drama (which will probably stretch on for months) is going to be a fundraising boon for Democrats.

I mean, I really love it. I watched the Speaker vote on Tuesday and for the first time in a long time, I almost wished I was back in Washington DC. Because I hate to miss a party. But I hate to miss a shitshow even more.⁴

1. Also, everybody in DC was talking about the affair that McCarthy was supposedly having with one of his colleagues.

2. Hate the point this out but MTG is great for fundraising if you’re a Democrat. Have you heard of a guy named Marcus Flowers?

3. Just imagine (this is only like, a week ago), but just imagine you’re the Brazilian cop who was investigating Santos and your boss comes into your office as you’re exhausted — you’re at the end of another long, hot, sultry South American workday without a single lead — and your boss says “hey, do you remember that guy you were chasing in 2008? You know, the guy who looked kind of like a repressed schoolboy but also kind of like a haunted marionette? The guy who was hanging checks all over town? He just got elected to Congress in the United States.”

4. Apologies because:

1. This is Substack, so, no editor to tell me “this is stupid. you can’t write this.”

2. I wrote this in like an hour.

3. I wrote this with my baby climbing over my legs.

4. Everything I’ve said here will probably be proven superfluous in a few hours — some of my friends on the Hill are now saying they don’t think McCarthy will even get the gavel. But the baby is climbing up my legs now and screaming like a meth-addled banshee so I’ve really got to go.